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Once Upon A Time
Once upon a time leadership mattered, now dealership rules
the world.
*********
Once upon a time quality was craftsman's pride, now it is
a departmental mess.
*********
Once upon a time mouse was an untouchable mammal, now it
is handheld pest.
*********
Once upon a time wisdom was cultivated by wise people, now
it is flashed on T-shirts.
*********
Once upon a time teacher tought and students learnt, now
teacher trade and students consume.
*********
Once upon a time population was a problem, now it is a
flourishing mass market.
*********
Once upon a time competition brought out the best, now it
brings out the worst in people.
*********
Once upon a time there was a golden rule, now if you have
gold, you rule.
*********
Once upon a time truth telling was good for your soul, now
it is bad for promotion.
*********
Once upon a time success meant living by ideals, now it is
about using above all principles.
*********
Once upon a time beauty was in the eye of the beholder,
now it is booming business.
*********
Once upon a time the government was clean and sex was
dirty, now one doesn't know.
Mouse Trap ( a gud story )
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the
farmer and his wife open a package.
What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the
warning:
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in
the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, " Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but
it is of no consequence to me.I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry,
Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap
in the ho use!There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's
no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to f ace the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the
darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose
tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to
the hospital , and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup,
so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the
soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the
cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall
with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and
think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us
is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must
keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort
to e ncourage one another.
SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET
THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
REMEMBER,,,,
EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a...Baseball.
b...Football.
c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.
e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c...That depends on what you mean by love.
d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?
b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c...A little extra weight looks good on you.
d...I've seen fatter.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a...Yes, but you have a better personality.
b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d...Define pretty.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat".
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh (expletive deleted).
Best moral....
A training program for top management.
A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire
crowd's attention, said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech,
which was well received. . . . .
.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the
training decided to use that joke at his house. He
tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy
to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent
in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to
recall the second half of the joke, the manager
finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was
!"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste
How To Become Billioniare
The Story....
A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident....
but the gal's name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This
guy
grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20?s,
achievement in itself!!.
He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make
a
software where he could search for his gf through the
web..
Things went as planned...
n he found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3
long years!!
It was time to shut down the search operation, when the
CEO of Google had a
word with this guy n took over this application,
This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in
its first year,
which we today know as ORKUT .
The guy's name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN. Yes its named after
him only. Today he
is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like
scrapping. He is
expected to b the richest person by 2009.
ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants to monitor his
scrapbook & 8 to
monitor his friends-list. He gets around 20,000 friend-requests a
day & about 85,000 scraps!!!
Some other Cool Facts abt this guy:
* He gets $12 from Google when every person
registers to this website.
* He also gets $10 when you add somebody as a
friend.
* He gets $8 when your friend's friend adds you as
a friend & gets $6 if anybody adds you as
friend in the resulting chain.
* He gets $5 when you scrap somebody & $4
when somebody scraps you.
* He also gets $200 for each photograph you upload
on Orkut.
* He gets $2.5 when you add your friend in the
crush-list or in the hot-list.
* He gets $2 when you become somebody's fan.
* He gets $1.5 when somebody else becomes your fan.
* He even gets $1 every time you logout of Orkut.
* He gets $0.5 every time you just change your
profile-photograph.
* He also gets $0.5 every time you read your
friend's scrap-book & $0.5 every time you
view your friend's friend-list.
"Moral of the story"? LOSE U R GIRLFRIEND AND MAKE
BILLIONS!!!!
THE BEST E-MAIL OF THE YEAR !!!!!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he Prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know
what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with
mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the
kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and
stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills
and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter
box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the
beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and
cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed to get through without
complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by
the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel
you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait
nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year !
do u agree????
22 Beautiful Places In World...
1.BackyardPool, BoraBora, FrenchPolynesia
2.Cappadocia , Turkey
3.ChandelierTree, Leggett, California
4.Colosseum, Rome , Italy
5.CreditRiver, Ontario, Canada
5.DuskBeforeDawn, Paris, France
6.Flatt_sHarbor,Smith_sParish, Bermuda
7.FlumeCoveredBridgeinAutumn,FranconiaNotchStatePark, NewHampshire
8.GladeCreekGristMill,BabcockStatePark, West
9.Gustavia, Saint-Barthelemy
10.HecetaSunset,DevilsElbowStatePark, Oregon
11.InAmongsttheRocks,Goreme, Turkey
12.JapaneseGarden,WashingtonPark,Portland, Oregon
13.LegislativeBuilding, Victoria,BritishColumbia
14.LondonEvening,TowerBridge, England
15.Moonover, SanFrancisco
16.NiagaraFallsatNight, Canada
17.PlazaDeCibeles, Madrid, Spain
18.RockTombs, Dalyan, Turkey
19.Sunbeams, PercyWarnerPark, Tennessee
20.Sunrise, Malibu, California
21.Toronto, Canada
22.TrinitadeiMontiChurch, SpanishSteps, Rome , Italy
International Friendship Week
I like you because of
who you are to me....
A true friend.
And if I don't get this
back I'll take the hint.
It's National
Friendship
Week.
Show your friends
how much you care.
Send this to everyone
you consider a FRIEND!
Even if it means sending
it back to the person
who sent it to you.
If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you
have a circle of friends.
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP
WEEK TO YOU!!!!!!
YOU ARE MY FRIEND
AND I AM HONORED.
Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Now you have to forward this to at least 3 of
your girlfriends or bad luck will follow.
Interesting aspects of life - Warren Buffet... Very Good...
Something to think about....
There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet,
the second richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity
Here are some very
interesting aspects of his life:
1. He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets
that he started too late!
2. He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering
newspapers.
3. He still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in
mid-town Omaha, that he bought after he got married 50 years ago.
He says that he has everything he
needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or
a fence.
4. He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a
driver or security people around him.
5. He never travels by private jet, although he owns the
world's largest private jet company.
6. His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He
writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these
companies, giving them goals for the year.
He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular
basis. He has given his CEO's only two rules. Rule number
1: do not lose any of your share holder's money.
Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.
7. He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His
past time after he gets home is to make himself some pop
corn and watch Television.
8. Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the
first time only 5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had
anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had
scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when
Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill
Gates
became a devotee of Warren Buffet.
9. Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a
computer on his desk.
His advice to young people: "Stay away from credit cards
and invest in yourself and
Remember:
A. Money doesn't create man but it is the man who
created money.
B. Live your life as simple as you are.
C. Don't do what others say, just listen them, but do
what you feel good.
D. Don't go on brand name; just wear those things in
which u feel comfortable.
E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things; just
spend on them who really in need rather.
F. After all it's your life then why give chance to
others to rule our life."
The Duck and the Devil
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on
their farm.
He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the
target.
Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.
As he was Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the
duck Square in the head, and killed it. He was
shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to
see His sister watching! Sally had seen it
all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash
the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted
to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "
Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go
Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to
help make Supper."
Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because
Johnny told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "
Remember the duck? " So Sally Went fishing and
Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and
Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came
to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart,
I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw
the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave
you. I was just wondering how long You would let Sally
make a slave of you. "
**********
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And
the devil Keeps throwing it up in your face (lying,
cheating, debt, fear, bad Habits, hatred, anger,
bitterness, etc.) ....whatever it is....You need to know that God
was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing.....
He has seen your whole life.
He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are
forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a
slave Of you .
The great thing about God is that when you ask for
forgiveness, He Not only forgives you, but He forgets . It is by
God's grace and Mercy that we are saved.
Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today.
Share This with a friend and always remember : God is at
the window .
Latest Method to Cheat in Exam
Have you ever cheated in your exam? How do you do it ?
Ever get caught ?
Well, the conventional way of cheating is over! Let's look
at the latest way !
1. Type out your notes in the computer:
2. Make sure to resize the font size 6:
3. Print out the notes with your own printer:
4. Make copy of the note using "toner based" photo copier:
5. Stick a layer of transparent adhesive tapes (eg:Scotch
Tape) on the copied notes:
6. Cut them into strips according to the size of the
adhessive tape:
7. Soak the strips in cold water:
8. After a few minutes, peel off the adhesive tape from
the paper carefully:
9. You will be able to see that your notes have been
transfered to the tapes:
10. Dry the adhesive tape so that it will become sticky
again.
11. If you are so lucky to have a clueless teacher, you
may just bring the adhessive notes into the exam hall and
stick it directly at the answer sheet
12. Altervatively, you may have to stick it on your pen
before you go into the exam hall:
13. Or you may also stick it on your drink:
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
Interestin IT!!!!!!!!!
1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT
2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems
6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go
17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.
18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India
19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.
20. PATNI: Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments
Category : Top 10 statements in Hindi movies
10. Kuttay, Kameenay mai tumhe jaan se maar doonga
9. Mai tumhara ehasaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga
8. Itnay paisay tum kahan se laaye?
7. Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi.
6. Bacchhhaaaaaooooo.....
5. Yeh anyay hai bhagwan
4. Bataoo, heeray kahan hai.
3. Tum may-re liye mar chuke ho.
2. Police meeray peechay lagi hui hai.
And the number one statement is .....
1. Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon.
Here are the best of the rest...
* - Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain
* - lo...muh meetha kar lo
* - mein yeh shaadi nahin hone doongi
* - aaj pinky ka janam din hai
* - yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib
* - Bhaiya !!!!!!!!!!
* - Ma, tum kitni achchi ho
* - Aaj mein bahut khush hoon
* (usually to be followed by a tragicturn of events)
* - arre isse to tez bukhar hai
* - Nikal jaa mere ghar say...
* - Hatoe naa, log kiya kahengay
* - khabardaar joe mujhay haat bhee lagaya
and the best:
* - tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...
* - gurkha, ise dhakke maarke bahar nikal do.
* - Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..
* - Ab tumari maa hamare kabze main hai
* - Pulis ko tum jaise naujawanon par naaz hai
* - Driver, gaadi roko
* - Tum jaise gandi naali ke keede....
* - Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta"
* - aur ye bechari begunnah hai. That's all, your honor
* - tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat,
* mulzim ko maut ki sazasunai jaati hai.
* - Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai
* - Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe
* - (hero/heroine opening their eyes on a hospital bed)
* Main kahan hun?
*
* - Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha?
* - "Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu"
* followed by the jug jug jiyo beta
* - "Yeh sauda thumhe bahut mehenga padega" ??
* - Bhagwan, maine aaj tak tumse kuch nahin manga,
* aaj pahli baarkuch maang........
* - KANOON KE HAATH BAHUT LUMBE HOTE HAIN
* - Aey jee! Aap bade woh haiN!
Peg After Peg
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are
looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep
it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again,
I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk
I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???
Give a break to your little heart!!
Once upon a time
there lived a king. The king had a beautiful
daughter, the princess! But there was a problem
Everything
the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal,
wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of
this, men
were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king
despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his
wizards and
magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter
touches one
thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was
overjoyed. The next day, he held a
competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and
inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took
up the challenge. The first prince brought a very
hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second
prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that
diamond is the hardest substance in the world and surely,
it would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third
prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in the bag and feel what is in
there." The princess did as she was told, though she
turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in
her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was
overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both
lived
happily ever after.But The Question Is :
What was the object the prince had in the bag?
( scroll down )
They were Britannia Little Hearts of course!
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
[Now pls don't look for meeeee.....]
1st anniversary as an IT professional.
IT Sophomore?s letter
I would like to express my transition from real freedom to assumed freedom. I am here talking about my transition from my college to the booming IT industry. I would like to pour my one year experience of the so called glamorous and fun filled IT industry. We used to wander those spacious heat filled open grounds and dirty class rooms with just 50Rs. in pocket and plan the whole week with that budget. But now we wander along the well cleaned, fully air-conditioned corridors with about five to six credit cards in our pocket planning where to swipe the cards. Credit cards eagerly waiting to eat next month?s salary. I can?t believe that it was just one year before that the 50Rs. seemed to be lacks now, lacks seems to be nothing. College canteen, Tea shops were the favorite hot spots where we spent hours together, having a hearty chat with our buddies forgetting the whole world. But now Cafe Day, Quickies, Baristas have taken those places. What a coffee cost 2.5Rs last year has now gone up to 50Rs a cup.
Those precious days where we used to laugh for nothing, while chatting or while playing or even when you fail in your paper because you have got 30 marks for a empty paper. But now you rarely smile except the smile for the forward you just received or the smile to your PM to impress him.
Hateness and Ego were the words you haven?t heard in those days. You smash or hit your friend for some reason and the next moment you walk along him with hands on his shoulders. But now you doesn?t like the guy sitting beside you because he?s getting a salary 10k greater that you or he?s always being appreciated by your PM. True friends are hard to find here In college if some one is talking badly about your college you can find your blood boiling inside even though you don?t like your principal. But here loyalty is the lost word; whenever someone is talking badly about your company you join them to criticize your company. You join the company with the resignation day in the mind, is this loyalty. Don?t mind I have also planned my resignation date.
You have seen the late nights only on the eve of the exam, where you rely on your friend to wake him/ her at night 1 or 2. And how can we forget those last minute tensions in exam, you remember that only just before entering the exam you find that you have forgotten to revise a important question that your friend suggested that it will surely appear on this exam. You rush back and flip those Xeroxed pages with tension. But today you work at least 2 days a week till 1 or 2 in the night to deliver something to your unknown client who is at US or UK. You are aimlessly typing at the useless word document that your PM asked you to finish with his tailor made smile. Loads of tension with calls from home, with your eye lids eager to kiss each other and you promise them to allow it a little later, cursing Bill Gates for inventing MSWord.
Writing all this to celebrate my first anniversary at this field. It seems I have been in my own desert where I have realized that I am moving from the warmth ness of the Oasis to chase a mirage. A mirage that promises a lot of thing, but still it?s just a mirage. When I turn back I can find thousands chasing that mirage with an ID card around their neck. I wish all the best for them.
The Bath Tub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time
to time, and this should help get you started.
**************
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask
him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
" No." said the Director, "A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? "
**************
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE
????????
The smell of rain ( this is sad)
The smell of rain
At the end of this story, it gives you two options. I
think you will
figure
out what option I chose.
A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in
Dallas as the
doctor
walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She
was still
groggy
from surgery.
Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced
themselves for the
latest
news.
That afternoon of March 10, 1991 , complications had
forced Diana, only
24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergencyCesarean to
deliver couple's
new
daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.
At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces,
they already
knew
she was perilously premature.
Still, the doctor's soft words dropp ed like bombs.
"I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly
as he could.
"There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through
the night, and
even
then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future
could be a
very
cruel one"
Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the
doctor described
the
devastating problems Dana would likely face if she
survived.
She would never walk, she would never talk, she would
probably be
blind, and
she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic
conditions from
cerebral
palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.
"No! No!" was all Diana could say.
She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long
dreamed of
the day
they would have a daughter to become a family of four.
Now, within a matter of hours, that dreamwas slipping away
But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for
David and Diana.
Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system
wasessentially 'raw', the
lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort,
so they
couldn't
even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to
offer the
strength
of their love.
All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the
ultraviolet
light in
the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would
stay close to
their precious little girl.
There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.
But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of
weight here
and an
ounce of strength there.
At last, when Dana turned two months old. her parents were
able to hold
her
in their arms for the very first time.
And two months later, though doctors continued to gently
but grimly
warn
that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind
of normal
life,
were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just
as her mother
had
predicted.
Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young
girl with
glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life.
She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical
impairment.
Simply,
she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that
happy ending
is
far from the end of her story.
One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her
home in Irving
,
Texas , Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the
bleachers of a
local
ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was
practicing.
As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and
several
other
adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silentHugging
her arms
across
her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?"
Smelling the air and detecting the approach of ! a
thunderstorm, Diana
replied, "Yes, it smells like r ain."
Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"
Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about
to get wet.
It
smells like rain."
Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted
her thin
shoulders
with her small hands and loudly announced,
"No, it smells like Him.
It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."
Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to
play with the
other children.
Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what
Diana and
all the
members of the extended Blessing familyhad known, at least in
their
hearts,
all along.
During those long days and nights of her first two months
of her life,
when
her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God
was holding
Dana on
His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so
well.
You now have 1 of 2 choices. You can either pass this on
and let other
people catch the chills like you did or you can delete
this and act
like it
didn't touch your heart like it did mine.
IT'S YOUR CALL!
"I can do all things in Him who strengthens me"
This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He
saw me, and
Heasked:
"My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I
responded:
"Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this
message,
their
family
and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them
very much"
The
love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning,
but not its
end.
________________________
This message works on the day you receive it. Let us see
if it is true.
_____________
ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have
wings, we call
them
FRIENDS.
_________________________
Pass this on to your true friends. Something good will
happen to you at
11:00
in the morning; something that you have been waiting to
hear.
This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will
speak to you
about something that you were waiting to hear.
BALANCE SHEET OF LIFE
Our Birth is our Opening Balance !
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behavior are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Some very Good and Very bad things ...
The most destructive habit......................Worry
The greatest Joy...............................Giving
The greatest loss................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work...............Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness
The most endangered species.........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease............Excuses
The most powerful force in life..................Love
The most dangerous pariah..................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer........The brain
The worst thing to be without................... Hope
The deadliest weapon.......................The tongue
The two most power-filled words..............."I Can"
The greatest asset..............................Faith
The most worthless emotion..................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire......................SMILE!
The most prized possession................Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer
The most contagious spirit.................Enthusiasm
The most important thing in life..................GOD
" Laughter is an instant vacation"
--Merlin Berke
***************
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday
***************
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
***************
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need
much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the
right person in this case.
You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
***************
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around
it.
***************
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the
manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
***************
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
***************
Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!
***************
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.
***************
Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Roles in Heaven :
Brahma
Systems Installation
Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support
Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management
Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)
Ganesh
Quality Assuarance & Documentation Narada
Data transfer
Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant
Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records
Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses Devas
Mainframe Programmers
Surya
Solaris Administrator
Rakshasas
In house Hackers
Ravan
! ;Internet Explorer WWWF Lakshman
Support Software and Backup
Hanuman
Linux/s390 Jatayu
Firewall
Dronacharya
System Programmer
Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)
Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )
Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)
Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer
Draupadi
Motivation & Team building
Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM
Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB
Karna
Contract programmer
Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++
Gandhari
Dreamweaver
100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches
Test your Selves ( cooooooooool )
So, take the following test presented here and determine
if you are losing it or are still "with it ." The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made
your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and ... Begin. WELL, MAYBE NOT
THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
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Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and
go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you
said, "bread," go to Question 2.
*******
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell " silk." What do cows
drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do
not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously
over stressed and may even overheat.
It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as Children's World. If
you said "water"
Then proceed to question 3.
*******
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue
house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made
from pink bricks and a black house is made from black
bricks, what is a green house made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said
"green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here
reading these questions????? If you said "glass,"
Then! Go on to Question 4.
*********
4. Its twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
feet over Germany(If you will recall, Germanyat the time
was politically divided into West Germanyand East Germany.)
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot,
realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides
on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine
fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes
smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germanyand West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germanyor
West Germanyor in "no man's land"?
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Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said
ANYTHING else,
You are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from
a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you
said, "Don't bury the survivors",
Then proceed to the next question.
*********
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
Londonto MilfordHaven in Wales. In London, 17 people get
on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on.
In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11
people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In
Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then
arrive at MilfordHaven. What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your
own name? It was YOU!!
********
Now pass this along to all your " smart friends" and hope
they do better than you did.
(PS: 95% of people fail in most of the questions !!)
::: One liners -- Hidden meanings :::
One liners -- Hidden meanings
Today's Professional Management FUNDAS
1."We will do it" means "You will do it"
2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on
the same"
4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At
least not tomorrow!"
5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I
have already decided , I will tell you what to do"
6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk
later"
8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on
time"
9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension
of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on
time."
10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually
fought"
11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help
you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me
earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13."We need to find out the real reason" means " Well I will tell you
where your fault is"
14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just
ensurethat the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."
15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything
about it"
Adarsh wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Adarsh looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Adarsh asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Adarsh asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20,000.00
Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS :-)
God : Hello. Did you call me?
Me: Called you? No.. Who is this ?
God : This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I
will chat.
Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy
now. I am in the midst of something.
God : What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.
Me: Don't know. But I cant find free time. Life has become
hectic. It's rush hour all the time.
God : Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets
you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees
it.
Me: I understand. But I still can't figure out. By the
way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant
messaging chat.
God : Well I wanted to resolve your! Fight for time, by
giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to
reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?
God : Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what
makes it complicated.
Me: why are we then constantly unhappy?
God : Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about
yesterday.You are worrying because you are analyzing.
Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.
Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much
uncertainty?
God : Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.
Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty. .
God : Pain is inevitable able, but suffering is optional.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always
suffer?
God : Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold
cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through
trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life
become better not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?
God : Yes. In every terms, Experience is a hard
teacher . She gives the test first and the lessons
afterwards.
Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why
cant we be free from problems?
God : Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering
Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner
strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you!
Are free from problems.
Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't
know where we are heading..
God : If you look outside you will not know where you are
heading.Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking
inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides
insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than
moving in the right direction. What should I do?
God : Success is a measure as decided by others.
Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the
road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You
work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?
God : Always look at how far you have come rather than how
far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what
you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people?
God : when they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they
prosper, they never ask "Why me" Everyone wishes to have
truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here. I cant get
the answer.
God : Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who
you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you
are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but
a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life?
God : Face your past without regret. Handle your present
with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not
answered.
God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer
is NO.
Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat.
God : Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear . Don't
believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a
mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life
is wonderful if you know how to live. "Life is not
measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that
took our breath away!
Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
There is only one perfect child in the world and every
mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every
neighbour has it
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The
Master of
Women"?
Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side,
sir.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
The world's thinnest book has only one word written in
it: "Everything
"and the book is titled: "What Woman Want!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or
cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the
ash.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying
&
the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of
your life!
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for
the same offence
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns
good money, a
womanwho loves him & system to make sure that those 3
women never meet each
other!
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that
my husband is
having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me
jealous!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------
Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six
months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard
to get!
-------------------------------------------------------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother &
said, "I've found
aman just like father!"
Mother replied, "So what do u want from me, sympathy?"
============ ========= ========= ========= =========
========= ===
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having
trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should
be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's
office. While Boy
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what
the situation was.
The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test
and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and
behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions
were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal! : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions. Can I
ask him?"
The principal and Boy, both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?
Boy:, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
the
answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down
to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took
one large Patiala
Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' &
if u dont get it
u have to use ur hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer
on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives
it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has
muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the
teacher,
"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten
questions wrong
myself!"
Few very strange ,little known facts about your planet
In 1783 an Icelandic eruption threw up enough dust to temporarily
block out the sun over Europe.
About 20 to 30 volcanoes erupt each year, mostly under the sea.
A huge underground river runs underneath the Nile, with six times
more water than the river above.
Lake Bosumtwi in Ghana formed in a hollow made by a
meteorite.
Beaver Lake, in Yellowstone Park , USA, was artificially
created by beaver damming.
Off the coast of Florida there is an underwater hotel. Guests
have to dive to the entrance.
Venice in Italy is built on 118 sea islets joined by 400
bridges. It is gradually sinking into the water.
The Ancient Egyptians worshipped a sky goddess called Nut.
The world's windiest place is Commonwealth Bay, Antartica.
In 1934, a gust of wind reached 371 km/h on Mount
Washington in New Hampshire, USA.
American Roy Sullivan has been struck by lighting a record
seven times.
The desert baobab tree can store up to 1000 litres of
water in its trunk.
The oldest living tree is a California bristlecone pine
name 'Methuselah' . It is about 4600 years old. The
largest tree in the world is a giant sequoia growing in
California. It is 84 meters tall and measures 29 meters
round the trunk. The fastest growing tree is the
eucalyptus. It can grow 10 meters a year.
The Antartic notothenia fish has a protein in its blood
that acts like antifreeze and stops the fish freezing in
icy sea.
The USA uses 29% of the world's petrol and 33% of the world's
electricity.
The industrial complex of Cubatao in Brazil is known as the
Valley of Death because its pollution has destroyed
the trees and rivers nearby.
Tibet is the highest country in the world. Its average
height above sea level is 4500 meters.
Some of the oldest mountains in the world are the
Highlands in Scotland. They are estimated to be about 400 million
years old.
Fresh water from the River Amazon can be found up to 180 km
out to sea.
The White Sea, in Russia, has the lowest temperature, only
-2 degrees centigrade. The Persian Gulf is the warmest sea. In
the summer its temperature reaches 35.6 degrees
centigrade.
There is no land at all at the North Pole, only ice on top
of sea. The Arctic Ocean has about 12 million sq km of
floating ice and has the coldest winter temperature of -34
degrees centigrade.
The Antarctic ice sheet is 3-4 km thick, covers 13 million
sq km and has temperatures as low as -70 degrees
centigrade.
Over 4 million cars in Brazil are now running on gasohol
instead of petrol. Gasohol is a fuel made from sugar cane.
Smart Sardarji:
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "your turn".
He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.
The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.
Stop Smoking - Why Bcoz for the beloved ones
STOP SMOKING: WHY ???
Smoke wins over humans because: Cigarettes stick to their
job and humans don't.
Smoke wins over humans because: it's WILLS power and NOT
WILL power.
Smoke wins over humans because: A Cigarette an hour, heaven
is not so far.
Smoke wins over humans because: eventually we're all going
to die one day sooner or later. So, who cares warnings...... We
only follow errors.....
Smoke wins over humans because: You don't smoke it; it
smokes you.
Smoke wins over humans because: humans have thought
revolving around two things: today and themselves!!
Smoke wins over humans because : it fools the fool who is
having it
*****************************************************************\
************************
Thanks for your patient reading and now spread this
message for all those you care!!!!!
Why do she have to be this way
Every night, every day
Watch every step she ever take
Every single move she make
Why does she have to take the blame
Act dumb, at times lame
Why do all see her differently
And not treat her nicely
Is it her fault she was born a girl
Why abuses at her hurl
Look at her from every possible way
Make her cry everyday
she at times wish she was born a boy
So that life she can enjoy
Careless and free and not to cry
And without fear jump high
Then she got why God made her this way
Girls can take pain everyday
Still love everyone who comes their way
And make world better everyday.
Stop Smoking - Why Bcoz for the beloved ones
STOP SMOKING: WHY ???
Smoke wins over humans because: Cigarettes stick to their
job and humans don't.
Smoke wins over humans because: it's WILLS power and NOT
WILL power.
Smoke wins over humans because: A Cigarette an hour, heaven
is not so far.
Smoke wins over humans because: eventually we're all going
to die one day sooner or later. So, who cares warnings...... We
only follow errors.....
Smoke wins over humans because: You don't smoke it; it
smokes you.
Smoke wins over humans because: humans have thought
revolving around two things: today and themselves!!
Smoke wins over humans because : it fools the fool who is
having it
*****************************************************************\
************************
Thanks for your patient reading and now spread this
message for all those you care!!!!!
Stop Smoking - Why Bcoz for the beloved ones
STOP SMOKING: WHY ???
Smoke wins over humans because: Cigarettes stick to their
job and humans don't.
Smoke wins over humans because: it's WILLS power and NOT
WILL power.
Smoke wins over humans because: A Cigarette an hour, heaven
is not so far.
Smoke wins over humans because: eventually we're all going
to die one day sooner or later. So, who cares warnings...... We
only follow errors.....
Smoke wins over humans because: You don't smoke it; it
smokes you.
Smoke wins over humans because: humans have thought
revolving around two things: today and themselves!!
Smoke wins over humans because : it fools the fool who is
having it
*****************************************************************\
************************
Thanks for your patient reading and now spread this
message for all those you care!!!!!
Test for Idiocy
B elow are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position
are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place,
so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
I may have sent this one before. I! 'm never sure.
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE
Will someone tell me where is God,
I want to ask him why this life is so odd.
When u r happy, u have to cry;
It hardly does matter, how much u try.
Nothing is certain, nothing can be changed,
Still we run day n night to catch the gone train.
I know questioning life is not right,
If everything is predecided, then y do we fight.
People say I speak a lot,
Tell me, isn?t it worth giving a thought.
I promise, I m not sad,
It?s just that I sometimes feel bad.
Why doesn?t god understand, that I too have a heart of mine,
Why does he think that after getting hurt, I will b fine.
God made these planets, the stars and the moon,
Doesn?t it sound philosphical to say that life is a boon.
Beautiful are the skies, the mountains and the oceans I see,
But their vastness reminds me of the emptiness in me.
Good times rarely come, only people become used to the bad,
After all we are humans, there is a limit to be sad.
I don?t want anyone to explain me now,
I want to be happy, but please don?t tell me how.
God can?t escape from me for long,
I can wait till then, I am really strong.
I know I?ll meet him one day,
Just that the day comes soon I pray.
GOOD MORNING !!!!!!
A good morning greeting
I'm sending your way
Wrapped up in smiles
For a beautiful day
May your day be pleasant
And things go as planned
I'm sending good wishes
To you my friend
Across all the miles
I'm sending big hugs
And of course
All of my love
A special good morning
For a special friend
Hope things go easy
From beginning till end
Its friendship.......
When a person calls u by a stupid name and never by ur own name.....
When they always get angry, whenever u tell them that u r busy and cant reply...
When they tell u everything about themselves even if its embarrassing...
When they come to c u, whenever they get a chance....
When u argues with each other on stupid things and then end up laughing....
Celebrate ur friends......
Celebrate FRIENDSHIP !!!!!!!!!!
Stop Smoking - Why Bcoz for the beloved ones
STOP SMOKING: WHY ???
Smoke wins over humans because: Cigarettes stick to their
job and humans don't.
Smoke wins over humans because: it's WILLS power and NOT
WILL power.
Smoke wins over humans because: A Cigarette an hour, heaven
is not so far.
Smoke wins over humans because: eventually we're all going
to die one day sooner or later. So, who cares warnings...... We
only follow errors.....
Smoke wins over humans because: You don't smoke it; it
smokes you.
Smoke wins over humans because: humans have thought
revolving around two things: today and themselves!!
Smoke wins over humans because : it fools the fool who is
having it
*****************************************************************\
************************
Thanks for your patient reading and now spread this
message for all those you care!!!!!
HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS: (OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE)
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good
size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competences
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam, Atlanta
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David, Florida
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan, New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Paul, Cleveland
Stop Smoking - Why Bcoz for the beloved ones
STOP SMOKING: WHY ???
Smoke wins over humans because: Cigarettes stick to their
job and humans don't.
Smoke wins over humans because: it's WILLS power and NOT
WILL power.
Smoke wins over humans because: A Cigarette an hour, heaven
is not so far.
Smoke wins over humans because: eventually we're all going
to die one day sooner or later. So, who cares warnings...... We
only follow errors.....
Smoke wins over humans because: You don't smoke it; it
smokes you.
Smoke wins over humans because: humans have thought
revolving around two things: today and themselves!!
Smoke wins over humans because : it fools the fool who is
having it
*****************************************************************\
************************
Thanks for your patient reading and now spread this
message for all those you care!!!!!
Knowing makes us different !!!
A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one
expert after another, but none of them could figure but
how to fix the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships
since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with
him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He
inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man,
hoping he would know what to do. After looking things
over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a
small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine
lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine
was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man
for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us
an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer....................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......................... $ 9,998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort
makes all the difference!
Married Jokes ( Think before u leap )
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant
with friends. You order what you want then, when you see
what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-----------
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
------------
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before
the fight begins!
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
------------
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
------------
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being
murdered.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
------------
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful
things as women and then he turns them into Wives.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------------
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or
cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the
ash.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The
Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side,
sir.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
-------------
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so
much that he would go through hell for her. They got
married and now he is going thru hell.
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying
& the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your
life!
-----------------------------------------------------------------\
--------------
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same
offence!
Knowing makes us different !!!
A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one
expert after another, but none of them could figure but
how to fix the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships
since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with
him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He
inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man,
hoping he would know what to do. After looking things
over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a
small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine
lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine
was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man
for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us
an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer....................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......................... $ 9,998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort
makes all the difference!
Knowing makes us different !!!
A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one
expert after another, but none of them could figure but
how to fix the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships
since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with
him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He
inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man,
hoping he would know what to do. After looking things
over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a
small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine
lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine
was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man
for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us
an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer....................... $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......................... $ 9,998.00
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort
makes all the difference!
